angry-ranty blog post was deleted ... I'd rather be empowered

Rants can be fun, but only if they are laced with humor and restraint. The blog post I wrote last night was neither. I deleted it for a couple of reasons.

If I am that angry, then I'm not coherent, as a quick re-read of the post showed me this morning. I don't think I wasted my time writing the post; I got a lot of things off my chest without being ugly to anyone. That is more important to me than anything. I also feel that if I can't handle a subject with grace and humor, then I'm contributing to the problem rather than offering a solution.

My angry-ranty blog post wasn't inspired by one event but by a culmination of events spread across the Internet within a few days. Online trolls really bother me in that they are an example of the lack of online civility that I've witnessed of late. What bothers me more is when I see women justifying bad behavior toward men under the guise of "liberation."

I think it's terrible that some men feel the need to apologize for their race and gender. I really wish they would stop. Race and gender are circumstances of birth, completely beyond an individual's control, like the behavior of others. Frankly, if a gentleman is sincere and sensitive enough to discuss an issue with empathy and understanding, he has no need to apologize for words or behaviors that are not his.

If I jumped up and apologized every time a white woman said or did something stupid, I might as well run a ticker banner across the top of my web page. In other words, I don't apologize for someone else's mistakes. Neither should men.

Men cannot empower women. When women demand that men acknowledge them, then women hand their power over to men. It is the equivalent of saying that women do not matter unless men recognize them for their [just-fill-in-the-blank-with-the-quality-of-your-choice].

Empowerment, true empowerment, comes from within a person. It is a clear and honest recognition of who and what you are--your good qualities and your bad--followed by a sincere attempt to become the kind of person that you would like to be. That is empowerment.

You do not take it. You cannot demand it. You must nurture it within yourself.

Does this mean that men and women should stand silently while legislators restrict their rights? No. You take that empowerment that you have nurtured within yourself and you use it to constructively combat bad laws, unfair treatment, whatever your personal cause may be, but the one thing you must never, never, never do is resort to the tactics that you cry out against.

If you do that, you lose every ounce of credibility you might have possessed.

Which is why I instituted a 24-hour rule on all angry-ranty blog posts that I write. I know my defects, and shooting off angry, hurtful words is one of them. This is why I deleted the very angry-ranty blog post. What I had to say needed to be said while I kicked my frustration against a wall. It was a private moment that needed to be kept private. I very easily could have hit the key to publish that post and share my frustration with the masses.

After a good night's sleep, I decided I'd rather be empowered.

Comments

[Mishell Baker]

This is such a tough issue, because so many people interpret "don't be an angry ranty jerk" as "be demure and speak when spoken to." The "tone argument" is instantly dismissed as further oppression by any underrepresented group, and I do understand the reasons.

Yes, people have the right to use whatever language and emotion they wish to use when they are speaking out against their oppressors. But I still strongly believe that it doesn't -work.- I don't advise against curse-filled rants because I think it's "unladylike," but because I think it's ineffective. That said, I am much more forgiving of an inability to suppress anger when it's someone who is constantly silenced by more privileged people and is daring to speak despite being conditioned not to.

Ideally, I think there is a middle ground between being as polite as oppressors would have us be, and being as caustic as our own long-buried anger would have us be. There is a way to be strong, even harsh--to calmly say, "What you're saying is absolute nonsense,"--without hurling personal insults, FCC-forbidden words, and verbal razor blades. My goal is always to be loud without losing my cool. I don't usually succeed, but it's nice to have an ideal.

And yes, some men will call me the b-word anyway, just for standing up for myself, but at least I won't make half the people who are already on my side cringe as well...

[Teresa Frohock]

I understand exactly what you're saying, Mishell.

(As an aside: I've been accused of many things in my life, but demure was never one of them. ;-)

I've found two things:
1) the facts and strong position will change minds faster than anger, which only incites defensiveness and more anger; and

2) some people, no matter how well I present my case, are never going to change their minds--they simply like to argue. I don't have time for people like that at all. They are an utter waste of my time and resources.

I understand anger. I spent the first 24 years of my life being furious. The only person who got hurt was me.

If being a bitch means that I state my position and get my way, then I'm a bitch. I have no problem with that. I just warn folks not to poke me too much or I'll bite. That 24-hour rule doesn't always hold true on my mouth.

[Stephanie]

Teresa,

Insightful as always and spot on. I often have to back away from the knee jerk reaction online before I become a ranter. It doesn't always work, lo though I try. :) Good for you in your restraint and for subsequently posting this reminder to the rest of us.

I hope book2 is going well.

Stephanie

[Teresa Frohock]

Hello, Stephanie! I've missed seeing you online (I've been huddled in the throes of edits on the second bk).

Your posts have never come across as ranty to me, even when you're angry, but I've also seen the analytical way in which you present the facts. ;-)

I hope all is well with you and yours! I'm going to try not to be such a stranger soon.

[Dean Esmay]

Thank you so much for writing this. I have been extremely bummed and at times downright depressed about what I suspect are some of the same issues. I don't know if you and I agree on those issues (literally don't know) but the shaming and hostility have been extremely toxic and painful to watch. Some of them are issues quite close to my heart and personal experiences, and the rage and mocking is... physically painful at times. It really is.

[Teresa Frohock]

I think it goes along with some of the toxicity that I've seen in various discussion forums too. Yes, everyone has the perfect right to say exactly what they think; however, not everything needs to be said every time. It's a terrible disconnect, which leads us to cease to view people as human beings. When we lose the ability to have empathy for another human being, we put ourselves on a terrible downward slide toward the kind of barbarism that created slavery and the Jim Crow laws of the American South, the hatred of Jews and the Rom by Nazis, Apartheid in South Africa, or the horrible crimes against the Armenians in Turkey.

[Dean Esmay]

Making people "the other" is a big part of the problem. It's not just internet anonymity, it's piling on with labels that turn people into faceless blobs. "Liberal," "right-winger," "MRA," "feminist," "politician," "Jews," whatever, pick your label and all of a sudden you aren't talking to or about a person anymore. It's a terrible dichotomy because you can't go through life without labels and yet at the same time they can be used so easily to make for sloppy thinking, for demonization, and more.

[Teresa Frohock]

I think you're absolutely right, Dean. It's why I usually avoid labels whenever possible. They are a necessary evil, but they can also be used as a short-cut that prevents us from assessing the whole person or event.

I've noticed that within the last several years, it's almost automatic. If you don't agree with me, then you automatically must be in X-category. Nobody can stand in the middle ground. As much as we like to blather on about what free-thinkers we are, we certainly can exhibit some narrow-minded attitudes at times. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts on this!